忘不掉当年傻傻地爱着那个男友的感觉。四年下来，被他忽冷忽热的态度，那故做深沉（很后来才懂那是拿的架子）的样子，一会儿浪漫至及，一会儿又消失得无影无踪。唯一不做的是就是对我坦诚以待。猜了他四年以后，我终于累了，我放弃了。

在我最脆弱的时候，平平一直平平静静地待在我身边， 尤其是当我失去了工作，（那时我们没钱，住在公司的公寓里。 失去了工作就失去了住处。第一代的月光族，我们还没积蓄。 ） 住在工棚里。 他是唯一帮我抬东西的朋友。我的男友？不知道去了哪里。 当然其他的我不敢喊。“穷在闹市无人问，富在远山有远亲。”这，我懂。

他就这们陪着我。 我实在受不了爱情的痛，决定搬回成都重新开始。 他流泪了。 我吓了一跳。 回到成都后，失恋的痛苦让我卧床了三个月。 还是他，时时打电话来问。 突然有一天，我想起了这句话：“众里寻他千百度，蓦然回首，那人却在灯火阑珊处。”是啊，我在等什么？女人不就是要有人爱吗？女人不就是要一个能守着自己，不论失意或顺利吗？我再等一个一旦被爱了，就不知道天高地厚的男人吗？我再等一个自己不是什么料，还觉得下一个永远是最好的吗？

我把他从深圳叫回了成都。 他就这们守着我。在我身边默默地追求他自己的事业，没有二想。

到了美国后，平平在国内等手续，一等就等了六年。他还是那样可靠。说做什么就做什么。

到了美国后，我还是待人真诚。但又遇到了一些自以为是的人，把我的好心当牛肝肺。 常常伤感。平平来后，我还是花了很多时间为没心没肺的伤心。 慢慢地，才发觉自己最想要的最真贵的东西就在身边。周围的人来人往，就想老话说的：“天要下雨，娘要改嫁， 由不得我。” 伤感生活中少有中情谊，靠得住的人。 但忘了身边的人不就是吗？

看来，刘晓庆再多不是，有句话却是说对了：“婚姻就想是一双鞋。 舒服不舒服只有自己知道。”而很多事就是““众里寻他千百度，蓦然回首，那人却在灯火阑珊处。”

Lust and Caution.

This was a based on a true story.

She was a spy. She had all it takes to be a spy: passion for what she was sent to do; fearlessness hence she was calm most of the time; decisive, almost wordless, beautiful, smart...

She was sent out to allure him, one of the biggest traitors of the country at that time, so that her comrades could find chance to kill him. For this mission, she didn't hesitate for a second to "practice" the skills with a man with a drunk comrade. Loss of the first night alone ruined everything to a girl at that time. It meant she was dirty and nobody would marry her anymore.

He was a professional killer. He was the ministry of the organization equivelant to 3K in Russia. He was cruel and trusted nobody. He was so cautious so he was restless and had no other facial expression but being serious and suspicious.

With her, he could for a change talk about trivial stuff: what do you do? "Where do you come from? What do you like? What kind of clothes should I wear?"  He even relaxed for a moment to mention "fear" of Japanese and how much a whore he thinks he is...and the most intimate thing he said to her was "I believe you. " when she asked: "do you believe if I told you I hated you?"

One day he even weeped when she sang to him. To a guy like him, that showed the core of core.

She wanted to get out of there. She wanted her comrades to take actions sooner because she realized that he squeezed into her heart like a snake little by little. She tolerated the pain of confusion, the conflict of love and hate. The love and the hate are so uneven. She is falling with a nation's enemy, she knew that. She hit her break point but nobody understood her. "That's enough! " said the commander when she expressed her feeling for the first time after she got into her mission. Yet nobody heard her! She was so alone, so lonely!

Finally the day came. He took her to the jewelry store for the biggest diamond at that time. Her comrades were waiting outside to kill him. " I don't care for diamond. I want to see you wearing it." He said. Her battle with herself peeked!!  She sat there speechless for a few seconds. "Run" she whispered. He did.

She could have killed herself by taking the pill she was given in the beginning. But I didn't know why she didn't. Maybe she wanted to see him one more time during the interrogation. But he didn't interrogate her. Instead, he decisively order the killing of the whole team by 10:00pm that day! Well, that's his professional evil side, more of a natural side? the side that won't panic him? Anyways, he didn't choose to even face her for the last time. He sat a couple minutes before 10:00pm on her bed waiting for the moment to come.

This is not an imagination. This is a true story. The author herself lived through similar story too, only that she was not killed.

Love can be opposite of rational. Love is so accidental yet it is so powerful. She betrayed her own mission and sacrificed 7 of her comrades. Of course, in the meantime, it is such a irresponsible action for those people to take. It was too unfair to her. She was not strong enough to handle the shaking of her own world. Who can? She should at least have been provided counseling.  It is a risk to begin with, They should have known that. It is a inhuman mission to begin with.

I am not too surprised that I had a little debate with a dear friend of mine. She holds totally different point of view. She thinks the girl was wrong...she had no pity for her...well. It is ok. This is a powerful literature. A powerful literature always get a lot of people think and relate to. Different personalities, different personal experience, different ages lead to different perspectives.

On the contrary, there are so many books out there teaching girls how to figure out their guys and how to keep them. Well, why bother? I just wonder how those guys who deny feelings and play with girls' hearts  think after seeing this movie. Or it is too old school?

I didn't like the movie titled "lust and caution." Lust, to my understanding, is more like a degrading of passion. It is a heart-breaker.

But yeah, Zhang ai lin. I know she is an elegant writer, she writes stuff in depth. Not a single movie filmed based on her novel didn't make me ponder. Also Ang Lee. What kind of nerve does he have? He was born in Taiwan, the little tiny island, some kind of Chinese society; he was educated in New York and now, I think he lives in California. If he play joy club, stories that happened in California. But he tells story like "broke back mountain"
...now he is telling a story about Shanghai in 1930s. Again what kind of courage does he have?

Okay, the noise, just because of the noise on the internet and from friends, or plus team of Zhangai ln and Ang Lee...okay. when it comes to Florida. I went to see it.

It is one of the movies that got you thinking! What a strange story yet it is convincing. People can somehow relate to it even the circumstances are different. It will also help people to get to know themselves. yes, getting to know themselves. There are so many, no matter how arrogant they appear to be, how snobbish they pretend to be, it is a self study, a soul searching inspiration.

It is so much fun to get to know the world, the geography, the space, the technology. It is good to know ourselves and acknowledge part of us. Wake up, self-denials, and grief-denials.

http://www.folkstory.com/articles/happily_ever_after.html

It says it all.

Here are the quotes:

Everyone, to one degree or another, is familiar with tragedy. In fact, for many on a spiritual path, it was the rough seas of adversity that placed them on that path in the first place. Going through tough times may be grueling, but as the ancient Greeks were well aware, watching others go through them is downright entertaining. So if this is the case, why does Hollywood continually shy away from making films with tragic undertones? Why is a “happily ever after” ending often a must in mainstream movies?

Still, psychologically, we crave pathos. “People find tragic stories comforting, because they have already accepted that adversity is not a mistake. It is a normal part of everyday life. People who accept the tragic aspects of the journey tend to be more contented. They have fewer rude surprises,” Young says.

“Because we live in a ‘grief-denying culture,’ films that deal with loss often cheat at the end and suggest a level of closure that is not realistic.”

I have a Mom' like, always uplifting church member. I was told she was ill today. Thinking of so much love she showed to everyone, including me, I couldn't hesitate a second to go and see her.

I went with Emma, a great friend of mine. She was so happy to see us and also she admitted what she had is depression. She cried over the word depression!  Well, that was depression.

We are living in such a great place. Beautiful environment and polite people. Why depressed?

Hey, I got depressed from time to time. I am not saying I can't relate to that waking up wanting to cry feeling. Why I feel better today? Coz I had great company yesterday and today.

My theory about depression is that it is caused by missing needs. A lot of people are in self denial and try to fool themselves into being 100% content with their lives. Yet guts want what guts want. We have every right to want more. We can't help it. It is okay!

But the norm of our society leads people to think as long as they live a lifestyle, they are supposed to be happy. If they are not, they are not obedient or even a loser.  Of course not! We are born with different personalities, we have different needs and wants. We respect what others want, why can't we respect ourselves?

Emma is so right, we need to have straight thoughts in life. It is okay.

My brother has always been part of my everyday life. We grew up together. I remembered we spent our summer break home reading our own books, doing our own homework. In the afternoon, when I say, let's go out to buy grocery, all I got would be: "sure!". He is always there, although quiet. He told me about popular marshall arts books, he taught me how to play chess, he taught me to play table tennis. He was my hero. Whatever he puts hands on, he is so excellent, even till today!

He is a man of few words. But he is always there. When I left home for college, I thought I would face a lot of challenge because of leaving him leaves such a void in my life. I wrote a lot of poems because of him. Every time I went home, for sure he was there to pick me up at the train station and grabbed the bags... ... Before my wedding, when Alex was a boy, he joked at a wrong time: "Can I ask a day off?" and it was my brother who took a notebook and sat by me..."mhm, what shall we do?" ...

Even when I went to Utah, he was here in Florida, he called me everyday to chat. He has almost zero words in his daily life, but on the phone, he is amazing. He always knows the right questions to ask to get you going....

Now we live together. He is still a man of almost none word. and I found out he is the quiet ones in my circles. "you don't have to talk a lot, but when you do, make sure you say truth, no pretending.." That's threshold for my friends...yet, he doesn't talk at all, especially after he got married. He seems to save all his words for his wife and my parents.

Guess what, it is okay. I still love him to death, I still know I will do anything for him. I still know by heart that he will be there when I need him. That time I had a heart burn, one brief phone call led him to show up.

Gosh, we don't need much to see a true color of a person. I love him not only because he is my blood, but because he is my blood, I get to see his true color. Count your blessings, Linda.

Yes, I realized I hate. I hate some habits and I hate some people. Not that I sweat on every little tiny thing, just that there are something that could bother me to death.

I actually find it as a healthy habit to have. If I don't know how to hate, I don't know how to shield my heart until I bleed badly, I didn't know how to protect myself. Most of time, it is too late. I always was caught shocked. What did I do? then the recovery takes forever if I don't know hate. I will blame myself. Guess what, from time to time, it is not my fault.

On the other hand, knowing what to hate helps a lot to be able to love. The more you hate something, you will know how to cherish the opposite so the love goes to people who really deserve.

With those being said, hatre is not necessarily the worst thing. Just don't be mad. Knowing your boundary can only help to protect yourself.

Admit it or not, we all long for connections, somebody who creates joyful moments with us, such as playing tennis together, such as singing together, such as playing chess together...somebody who shares the same point of view on lives and give us a "aha" hi! Somebody who tell us or share jokes with us; Somebody who work as hard with us and achieve a great goal of us...

Like in numerous blogs I put previously, the biggest challenge of mine in USA is to have wonderful people in my life and stay in my life.

...Guess what, I forgot one thing. Books!! I remember great books enlighten my life and solve my concerns. I read another great psycological book. Guess what, it profoundly addressed matters that cluttered my head and occupied too much time as their shares. It feels like it opens a great door for me and saves me a lot of thinking, researching time!

I love books. Some great authors are my best friends!

Lately I find it hard to focus on what I need to do. Went to buy a lot of clothes, didn't work...
All kinds of thoughts ... Is it because I don't have enough motivation?

I found myself super jealous of those who seem to have it all and doubt about those who seem to always have problems.

What is the big deal? Usually it wasn't. But I realized what I am missing...

See even my blogs seem to be scattered-minded.