I am in Vegas. If I am not mistaken, this is my 12th time to be here. Nothing is fresh anymore, even people are the same. We come here every year, for the same type of trade shows. The booth designs never change. So there's really not much to write until I go see a show, if I will have time.

On top of the screen, there is the ads for "depression medicine". As it says: "Depression hurts everybody". I really don't want to go there. So I always watch closely my feelings and attitudes, making sure I have answers to everything. Boredom, confusion,  disappointments and weak physical condition combine to lead to downtime. Physically we exsercise to be strong, mentally, we have to be our own guard and doctor though.

With these lengthy start of this piece, this is the essential piece I just figured out recently and hopefully it will serve as key to goal, priority setup, right set of expectation to people we come cross and ourselves. Hopefully it will serve to avoid boredom (no goal), confusion and disappointment.

I left China leaving all the bonds behind and thinking once I improved my English to a certain level, I could easily recreate bonds with people here that enrich my life and make me I feel I am part of the world. In other word, to fit in.

Well, it didn't happen. I went through boredom (goal loss), confusion, disappointment and weak physical condition. I just refused to call it depression.

After a while of confusion, disappointment, I just realize that I can't fit in so called mainstream cultures and they are not worthy of fit in anyways. Here is why.

Mainstream culture here is everyone put on Facets and be the happiest, the politest. I remember yesterday I ran into this lady in church who has a long long last name. ( We call each other by last name). She screamed and gave me a big smiley and a big hug: " so good to see you!" Before I could reply with her last name, she was already gone. For one second I was wondering why on the earth she was so happy to see me. In the second second, I realize, no, she was not. huh... Mind you, she is not the only one. As a matter of fact, most of people in church are like that. I don't think I can be like them. I don't think deep down in their hearts, they are truly happy. ( It is not hard to figure out).

Another mainstream is pop culture, like mexican. Well they party all the time. They must be happy. But will that make me happy? I don't even drink and if there is no meaningful talk, why bother?

Finally I realize life is too short for me to try to be like others. We immigrants are of our own kinds. Nothing can change that and it severs as a big base to us as a human. Why don't I just enjoy our own life rethym and appreciate our own social circle, big or small. That's our own little world. We will mingle with others, but we have our own base.

Don't we? Thank you all, my dear friends, Like the song said: "What a wonderful world with you in!"

(Gee, time to go back to work!)

Pursuit of Happiness. It is the ultimate object of our trip in this world. People go to church to look for answers, they go to therapist, friends, drinks, even drugs. All in all, they are seeking for happiness. We all are.

Life is short. We have to figure out for ourselves to live happily quickly. Life is too short for us to cry for a long time.

I haven't been this happy for a long time. I played sports a couple of times a week, went on a snorkeling far in the ocean to get close to fishes...I have my work on track (of course, it is the way to defend my integrity. I can't live on the past, right?) , my spanish lesson is coming along smoothly, Everything else, people I care and I don't care are like my kyle---they fly...

Also very importantly, I do have my friends close to me. We play tennis together. We watch movies together. I realize for me, balance is so important. Work, happy family, sports, dear friends, activities, great movies, learning something new...nothing alone
 can make me happy.

I am glad I found my therapy. I hope this works for others who are seeking for recipe of happiness.

It was my holiday. I went to the ocean with a group of young friends to do snorkeling and sailing. It was great. Mhm, feels like a great holiday! Although it is not. The second day, I went to blockbuster to rent a movie. I haven't done that for a while. I saw "the holidays" ...again....Jude Law is in it. In the past, I wouldn't hesitate a second to get one coz Jude Law just disappointed me for his disgusting behaviors. I am regretful for his sudden career death. Plus, another shallow chick movie. Who would be misled by those cheesy, happy ever after, find the perfect one fairy tale? Never liked it and will not like it.

Yet this movie has been haunting me. It seems to be in every corner I went to. Alright, I will watch it. Just see if it will pass 5 minutes preview. If it is silly, just another 5 dollars in loss, big deal?!

The movies is based on one interesting exchanging house vacation. In stead of going somewhere, staying in luxury hotels, some people actually trade houses for a week or two. Cameon Diaz, the girl I dislike very much, met Jude Law. Okay, big deal!

But Jude Law is insanely cute! He is so tan. Interestingly his kissing scene is getting sexy too. With the story proceeds, his brilliance shows. His facial expressions, his eyes...he shows no similarity in any role he was in before. Regardless of his bad reputation out there, come on, I have to say, he is one of the most brilliant actors alive!

Well, the story is still misleading. But the feeling that the leading lady Kate says is so true. When you are in a wrong relationship, you are in deep denial. You want to prove you feel wrong, you want to prove you misunderstand all... you deserve to feel more significant because you are. you have to get out, as opposed to staying as the pathetic "best friend".

I think all these are very encouraging for people who want something that doesn't mean to be theirs.

Bravo, Jude Law!

Law and Order is absolutely my favorite show after a long time. I love the witty dialogues, some are even funny. I love them to be like a reminder as to how hard lives could be and not to take it for granted. Of course the assistant DAs are so pretty and extremely smart, powerful. Those have been my hero since I was a little girl.

I went through a lot of sad moments. I realize two important reasons to cause sadness is one, I don't know what to do, two, boredom. either or or combined

I also learned that to get out of negativeness is to take actions.

If it is caused by boredom alone, get out for some change. If it is caused by don't know what to do, take some actions...make decisions, as opposed to sitting still to look at the burn and the "oven" that caused the pain.

Right, eat elephant one bite at a time and take one day at a time. It works.

I have a great family. A pair of parents who are happy and understanding almost all the time. We don't have much drama but homony. I have a brother who is quiet but very stable and with no bad habit. Again, we live in great homony and share our freinds. I have a sister in law who is just great. I have a great husband who is just the best fit for me in terms of personality.

I have a job, challenging but position myself well. So I have luxury to explore what is more in life. I always long for hearty talks, close friends. The reality is that really not all people can be close to you for all kinds of reasons. As a matter of fact, very few can be close and stay close.

I have a urge to say sorry to this young friend of mine. During my exploration of connection with people of different background, I enjoyed the excitement but inevitably, I went through hurting process over and over. Again, very few can really come close and stay close. I dragged her into those confusing moments of mine and she has been so patient, so loving and caring. I only shared with her the sadness, and after I went through the stormy stage and adjusted the distance, enjoy the cultural difference, she didn't get to hear and share. All in all, all she has has been sadness, madness, confusion. When everything is in peace, she didn't get to share the happy moments of mine, such as how great musicals are, how great tennis feels how great the restaurant is...I have been in the center of our conversations.

I always want to know her more. After reading her blogs today, I realize for the first time in years of knowing her, she is the center of her life. She is the princess yet she went extra miles to hear me out and let us neglect her.

I wish after learning all kinds of communication skills through those "hurricane" moments, I won't go through too many crisis again so I can let her to lean on me, if she wants.

When she mentions only June and her mom are part of safety net, I want to tell her, she deserves more. Her Dad, sister, other firends and me. We can all be her safety net. She deserves it.

Ouch, time to go on working.

It's been a while I haven't watched life time. It's been a while I haven't watched a show other than Law and Order. Law and Order talks about court room argument. It's not about life.

Life time seems to be too girly stuff. Roamance, killing..Yesterday I saw this show talking about a teenage girl and how her life was turned around by giving birth to a baby. The storyline is ok. But the message behind the storyline is how to plan your life, how to pursue a career and romance kicks in by itself. It reminds of life in northern part of the country where people live a normal life as opposed to chasing after vanity, such as cosmetic surgery, drinking, vacationing, partying....

It is real, feels like.

It also reminds of me this lady I met on the plane who is 40 years old and is still seeking for the butterfly feeling. She is very honest. She was engaged twice and she didn't feel right to settle down. She is teaching kids swimming, self-employed and seemed to be exhausted to look for love. Her current boyfriend gives her butterfly feeling but she feels hard to keep her behavior under control, i.e, not worrying about being not loved and losing him eventually.

What life is about? I think life is about to pursue what you have under control. Your career, your balanced life, your health. let me correct myself, health goes first.

Romance, friends are instable stuff and beyond your control. They come and go as they please, or determined by God or faith. It has nothing to do with how much you want and your effort.

We can't wait for others to fill our lives. We will fill everyday of ourselves with meaningful deeds. Everything comes into place at their own timetable.

Goal is very important to well being of our human being.

Sat. and Sunday are quiet and not social? so do stuff that means something to you.

Firing your friends?

Several nights ago, I flipped to a channel that is talking about making big money. A few “successful” guys are sitting there talking about how to make good money.

They have one suggestion: fire your friends. Get close to friends who are making more than you do.

What is that?

Friends are friends to you is not because they are successful or not. Friends are friends because they share your laughter and listen to your pain. Friends are those who keep you warm and feel cared.

What is wrong with those people?

到美国来学到的第一个非字典英语就是“You Are On Your Own.” 在学校Campus上看到的都是独来独往的人。 自己从自愿从人堆里逃出来到无其他选择地独自去兜风。刚开始到也还自在。奇怪，久了却有了些难受。

当时急于苦练英文。 对周围母语是英文的人客气有加。 其中不少并不优秀，但也说服自己将就了。 还做了一些让自己红脸的事。哎， 不说也罢。

三年在尤他，也还真没交到些朋友。 真正的慰几就是认识到还是中国人好。 和别的文化背景的人，再努力也是不痛不痒的关系。 说得不好听一点，我死了，都不会有人来收尸。

7 年过去了，家也搬了。 英文也过关了。 让人暖心的关系来了去，去了来。 我开始怀疑自己对生活有过高的要求。开始重新审视自己的快乐指数和调整自己的生活目标。 “You Are On Your Own” 似乎就是美国生活的理。 由此说来，美国媒体上说的passion， 分明就是童话。

The first phrase I learned in USA is “You are on your own. “ All people, I mean, all people on the campus, are there by themselves. I just fled from people in crowded China, kinda enjoyed it in the beginning, surprisingly.  After a while, it gets a little difficult.

I was desperately in need of practicing English at that time. In a state with 99% White people, it is kinda hard to really get to talk to anyone in depth in English. In order to practice English, I recall a few embarrassment moments.

3 years in Utah, I was not able to make many friends. At end of the stay, the conclusion I drew is that it is not me, it is the culture. Friendship was a foreign word, with or without efforts, there will no such thing as friendship. I often wonder if really anything happens to me, who is going to collect my body.

7 years after arriving in USA, I moved to another state. My English is not a problem of practicing anymore. From time to time, my life is lightened up with warm, kind and caring people. Too bad, they come and go faster than huixing. （to be corrected ）I started to doubt myself, including reset my expectation for happiness and reset my life style. I realize, “You are on your own” is the way of life in America. Passion is obviously over-rated and is indeed fairytale.